Mr. Britney is Not Vanilla Ice

You all are not ready.

Mr. Spears' producer leaked a clip from his much-anticipated comedy CD. Taking a book from Eminem's you-can't-attack-this-white-rapper-cuz-I-already-did book, he reeks with greatness in lines such as:

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008,

Gee, ya think? Or how about ...

"But I know that you really can't wait/ 'Cause people always askin' me when's the release date?"

Who are these paint-swilling culture commandos posing such a ridiculous question? Another ...

"Well maybe, baby, you can wait and see/ Until then all these Pavarottis following me,

That may be a clever play on words, if it made any sense at all. Finally, what seems to be the chorus that every idiot with a Trapper Keeper will soon be spray painting on the walls of their short busses:

"Back then they called me K-Fed/ But you can call me Daddy instead"

Bravo! Way to capitalize on the only thing that allows people like me to know about people like you.

I really wanted to cut this post down for you, keep it brief, eliminate the lyrics that weren't funny. But ... listen to it for yourself and see if there's any part that redeems it for you. And if there is, please stab yourself until you wake up.

Listen: Y'all Ain't Ready
Source: The Superficial (image)

50 Cent is Gay

Amid the point-blank shootings, nude scuffling and desperate partying, the most shocking image in the movie “Get Rich or Die Tryin”’ is the tear that rolls down the cheek of the baddest man in gangsta rap, 50 Cent

Yes, folks, tough-guy rapper Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson thought about all the times in his life when he had to be strong and not cry, and used this emotional angst to bawl like a bitch with a skinned knee for his upcoming mega-blockbuster.

Hah! Fag!

Source: MSNBC (image)

Jimmy Kimmel Needs Cement Shoes

In an interview with Rolling Stone, we learn that comedienne Sarah Silverman loves to smoke the mary jane (she keeps cereal on top of the refrigerator for munchy time), loves doodie jokes, doesn't want to get married or secrete her own children, and loves sex. And she's currently sleeping with a hairy fat man named Jimmy Kimmel.

Oh, and did I mention that she'sfunny? Some examples...

You have your Jewish jokes: "I was raped by a doctor," she says, "which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl." You have your black jokes: "I used to go out with a guy who was half-black who totally broke up with me because I'm a fucking loser . . . I just heard myself say that. I'm such a pessimist. He's half-white." You have your sex jokes: "A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis. And I thought, 'Oh, my God. I'm turning into my mother.'"

"I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive -- it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you're a black teenager."

Now we love making fun of celebrities here. It's what we do. But I'll be damned if I can find an angle on her. Jimmy - stay alert, bro. Stay alert.

Ashley Simpson is a Drunk

You know how I spell satisfaction? Talent-light fake-artist Ashley Simpson drunk in a McDonalds (of all places), climbing on the counters while refusing autographs to anyone who won't kiss her feet. That's how I spell it right there.

Really, this isn't nearly as bad at the time I got drunk and accidentally felated a dog. But at least we didn't get that on tape. Seriously, Ashley, wise up.

Video: CTV
Source: The Superficial (image)

Oprah is Rich

Oprah Winfrey is releasing a six DVD set of highlights from her 20 years dominating the lives of middle-aged women with nothing better to do all day than sit on the couch and not vacuum the house.

This all fits perfectly into my theory that Oprah is hogging all of the affirmative action in the world. While she crams another billion into her coffers, black people everywhere are poor. If you buy this DVD, therefore, you're saying that you hate black people. Do you hate black people?

For shame. If there's anything I hate, it's intolerance.

Source: Fox (image)

Sylvester Stallone is Old

Sylvester Stallone announced recently that he will be exhuming that unique Rambo drawl for a fourth installment, sinisterly titled "Rambo IV". This comes on the heels of his recent announcement that he will have to exhume the distinctly different Rocky accent for the upcoming "Rocky Balboa".

Now I'm not saying Sly is old, but I hear his back goes out more than he does! Hey-oh! No, seriously folks.

I only hope that at 60 I'm still doing what I do now. Like when I'm 60, I hope I can still serve soup to the less fortunate and rescue puppies and donate to charity. Cuz if there's one thing old people love, it's being nice to people. Or is it shooting them with military grade assault weapons?

I forget. I'll ask Sly next time he comes over to play canasta.

Source: CNN (Image)

Woody Allen is a Realistic Pervert

Woody Allen took a few minutes out from sticking his 70 year old penis into his now-35 year old wife to tell the Associated Press that their relationship is "one of the truly lucky things that happened to me in my life" and that it has a "more paternal feeling".

Apparently fatherhood feels like really young poontang. So I'm off to sire a litter of sarcastic evildoers.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom to ferociously vomit the mental images from my head into the toilet.

Source: MSNBC

Gerard Depardieu is French

In a move sure to stun millions of Americans into shutting down their businesses and taking solace with close friends and family, Gerard Depardieu, star of Tais-toi!, Sous le soleil de Satan, and My Father the Hero has announced that he is retiring.

Now I know you're thinking "why do I, an American here in America, care about this man with the funny name?" But stop for just a moment and think of all that the French have done for us: they saved our asses during our own "Viva La Révolution"; they sucked us into war with Britain in 1812, allowing us another chance to murder nancy boys; they held up the Nazis with a barrage of croissants long enough for us to come save them in WWII. The least we can do is honor one of their most accomplished actors by eating baguettes, smoking, and generally thinking less of everyone around us.

Source: CNN